Are you going to sleep all day? Clean your room! Is your homework done? Are you ready yet? Turn the music down. Quit aggravating. Clean up your dirty dishes. I don't care if everybody is going. I said, GET OUT OF BED. Are you going to wear THAT shirt? Get OFF the computer. You're gonna be late AGAIN.
Is this the "conversation" you've had with your teen? Wonder why they've tuned you out?
First and foremost, if you feel you are not communicating and connecting with your teen....then you probably aren't. Try something different.
Some of the best conversations can be over a meal....but instead of the family table...try a restaurant. Teens love to eat (especially boys). Make it more enticing by picking one of their their favorite restaurants. Don't let them know you are going to "talk". Just say that you are tired of cooking and want a lunch/dinner out and ask they they join you? Eating out, you don't have to worry about getting the food on/off the table and cleaning up, which allows you more uninterrupted, focused time. You will also have a captive audience. Waiting for your food to arrive gives you plenty of time to talk. And, unlike home, your teen probably won't get up and walk away.
Remember, in order to have a conversation, TWO people need to talk. Make sure you are taking your turn to listen and you're not the only one talking. Ask questions about other things besides school, homework, friends. Ask their opinion about clothes, movies, music, events in the news, sports, technology. Show that you value their opinion. Although you don't have to agree with it, it is good to let them express it. For your first several dinner dates, keep the conversation light (don't take out your podium and give a lecture), otherwise, you will be assured that they won't accept the next dinner date! Open your ears and listen with your heart!
Try communicating with them in ways that work for them like text messages, emails, terminology that they use.
As much as they may push you away and want independence, find ways to stay in their life. Don't look negatively upon being the "taxi driver". There are benefits to driving your teen to and from different events. Think of it as an opportunity to listen to the conversation that goes on in the car between them and their friends. Being the driver for the ride home may not get you much sleep, but will allow you to hear the events of the evening. Remember, just listen. Don't interrupt or it may end the conversation if they think you are paying attention to the conversation they are having with friends.
Teen parenting requires finding ways to connect and communicate which may require YOU to come out of your skin and create a new interest with them. Go shopping together, go to their favorite restaurant, sporting event, play one of their favorite video games with them, get interested in their favorite TV program. This will give you more opportunities and things in common to talk about besides homework, cleaning their room etc.
Bottom line...create enough fun times together and positive communication to get you through the bad times.
Communicate your expectations of your teen to them, as well as consequences for their poor choices. Let them know that you are confident that they are capable of making good choices, but know that teens make mistakes(as do adults). As a parent, you will have to implement consequences for poor decisions. Tell them up front what the consequences are so they know what to expect if THEY CHOOSE to make a bad decision.
If you feel comfortable doing so, share some of your experiences as a teen including some of your mistakes, things you wished you would have done or known. Teens want to know their parents are human. If they know you make mistakes, they may feel more comfortable telling you when they make one.
Allow your teenager the opportunity to fail. This is really hard! But growing up, and learning about life, requires that they experience both the positive and negative outcomes of their actions and choices. If/when they make a poor choice...don't take it personally. It's not about YOU, it's about a bad decision THEY MADE. Let him/her know you are disappointed but hope they learn something from it. They likely won't admit they made a mistake or learned anything, but at least your statement reminds them that there is something to be learned in their mistakes. Implement the consequences you discussed and stick to it! Let them know you expect them to make a better choice next time. Teen parenting is not about coercion or control, it's about giving your child the space and guidance to grow into a mature adult. Part of giving that space means allowing them to fail.
Remember communication should be WITH your teen not always TO your teen (like commands or lectures). So again....PUT AWAY YOUR PODIUM. In the conversations, compliment your child (but don't over do it in a way that might seem manipulative or phony). Include positives like "I'm proud of the nice young man/woman you are becoming, you did a good job or that was a wise choice, you are really good at that, I'm so blessed to have you, I know you can do that or you will make the right choice.....I love you." If you have a hard time verbalizing it...write it down. It will make a great keepsake for them. These conversations might just get you a SMILE! |
